It continues to disturb me that people still find some kind of joy and assurance in mornings. Maybe it is because for me it means dealing with another day that consists of one too many moments of some kind of pain. Particularly the kind that ends up with a person feeling an irreducible concoction of anger, sadness, shame and an outright desire for death more than life; to be a soul identified as a fierce outlier. Also, maybe it is because it is the consistency of trauma showing up whenever and everywhere. Trauma really doesn't feel like something that we could control. Sure knowing a shitload of how it shows up and how it functions (even at a personal level; beyond the notion of communal consciousness) would help with theorising different avenues of approaching its influence and hope to find a way to weigh the odds on to our side. But that is all it will be. A theory. One theory after another with no significant measure of being a solution. Once again, we would be submitted to the agony of forcing ourselves to be blind to the faults of a probable solution. We would have to continue the approach whereby facts will never be enough for us to leave behind what isn't good enough. We will have to settle for less. Isn't that all we do?
So how is it possible for someone with executive function issues to navigate life when this is what we all seem to believe? How is this individual supposed to believe in hope when hope itself isn't founded upon undeniable, unavoidable truth? Sure we need to make compromises for us to survive and thrive. Of course everyone is paying hefty costs for them to hold onto their hope. Is it understandable? Fuck yes. Is it how we should live? I think not. I do not think that we need to force on everyone this approach where hope is given much more value than the weight of truth.
Having borderline personality disorder and any other disorder out there that encompasses distortion of thought, perspective, attitude, affective function should be enough of a reason for us to approach the issue of philosophies of life with better keenness. If one particular view is adopted and made the norm, it makes it really tough for us to become part of our communities rather than outliers who end up with abandonment, insecurity and social esteem issues. But again, even after writing these words and finding some kind of peace in knowing that I have again made an effort to educate on another issue that affects people living with mental illnesses, I am met with the harsh, almost unbearable reality that things will not change as quickly as they should for loneliness of this nature to be eradicated. There will still be one too many souls institutionalised or end up dead because of it. Even though we continue to say that one soul lost to suicide is too much. Yet with every minute, there is an increase in the statistics recorded somewhere on how many people took their own lives. Maybe this kind of disconnect is what life should be like. Maybe the belief that justice and fairness and ethical living are important is nothing but just another human construct that missed the mark for whoever made life. Maybe I am wrong to think that we deserve to have lives that make sense. Maybe I am wrong to think that loneliness is an evil that ought not to be thought of as necessary. One too many maybes that show just how lost I am. Are you lost too? Maybe we could be lost together.
P.S. When dealing with someone who thinks like this, you need to be patient. Not just with them, but also with yourself. It is necessary for you to take some time to also train yourself to see how they see things. You need not adopt their perspective but do make sure to develop an instinct that will allow you to always be considerate of not only the content of their thoughts but also how deep they go. All this matters. I promise you. For as long as you find this person to be worth your love, please do not give up on trying to connect with them at a more deeper level with every encounter you have. My very best wishes as you deal with anyone with annoying personality disorders. I only say this because I myself am one of those who have fucking annoying personality disorders.